Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Polarized Viewpoints

Rollo's noticed that there are several research expeditions who are tracking the habits and habitat of the polar bear. Rollo's been watching the polar bear watchers.

Polar bears are very cool, and not just because they live in the Arctic Circle. They always walk with confidence, not easy to do when you appear to be the albino mutation of your ferocious grizzly cousins. Polar bears are ferocious too, it's just that since they made the Coke commercial we all see them as wanting to teach the world to sing. Not to mention the fact that most of those nature shows have such great footage of fluffy white bears frolicking across frosty ice floes. It looks like a great life.

Not so, say researchers. One group of researchers up in Alaska have been reporting polar cannibalism. Seems they are finding instances of bears attacking each other. Never mind that other kinds of bears in other climates also occasionally attack each other and eat each other. Polar Bears do it because of... da da da dum.... yep, Global Warming.

Global warming is making food hard to find, say the completely unbiased researchers, and it's turning polar bears into heartless carnivores who operate without conscience. The ice floes where seals normally breed are melting. Usually the polar bears eat the seals, probably in a conscientous effort to control the seal population. Maybe all the barking gets to them. Who knows? But if there's no ice, there's no seals.

Now circle around the arctic to Greenland where another group of scientists with a penchant for polar bears has determined through the hazardous taking of precise measurements that the genitalia of Greenlandic polar bears are shrinking. And why is this happening?

Okay, this is the part where you have to pay attention. Greenland's polar bears are suffering from shrunken genitals because they eat too many seals who live in polluted waters. Notice that there's no mention of lack of seals here. Yet just around the corner in the same Arctic Circle, there aren't enough seals.

The scientists say these polar bears are the most polluted species because of the animals they eat and because their bodies contain huge amounts of fat and blubber where pollutants get stored. The strange thing is that seals are just balls of fat and blubber with tiny flippers attached and yet the scientists have not remarked on the size of their genitals.

I know, it's confusing. The problem with research scientists is that they have to come up with something that makes happy the people who are funding the research. The scientists in Alaska are busy trying to prove global warming while those in Greenland are being paid to find horror stories of the effects of pollution on natural environments.

Regardless of whether there are too few seals, or only poisonous seals, it seems there may be only one clear way to save both populations of polar bears. They should just start eating the scientists.